What's the best way to breakup?

Like Sylvia Plath’s Lady Lazarus you are ready for a change, ready to start again. You’ve tried everything, made the decision about breaking up and now it’s time to move out of the ashes of your relationship. Make it easier on yourself, have that conversation when you know you won’t lose your temper. If you feel like you might blow, walk away for a while, cool off and get back in control. Remember you are in control and although you have this fire inside you, you need to stay calm. This is not the time to be vindictive or nasty, you may have things you need to sort out over the next week or month, and so keeping things civil may make the coming months go smoother. If he’s let you down badly then this will be your revenge, your eating men: moving on with your life.

These won’t all apply to you but here are some tips that might help you get through this:

1. Try your best to stay focused. You don’t want the passion and anger to get the better of you, and somehow end up back in bed and still together. This happened to more than one woman that I interviewed. Much to their horror, they ended up having to do the breakup speech twice!
2. Save the extra heartache and don’t use this time to dredge up the old battles as it is unlikely that you will ‘win’ now (unless he is desperate to keep you, in which case you’ll have to take him back to win).
3. Assertive language helps to stop a defensive argument. ie ‘When you do this, I feel this’: When you always spend weekends away with your buddies, I feel abandoned and lonely. When you refuse to pay your share, I feel used.
4. Taking a small amount of blame also helps stop the defensive argument. We know you are perfect, but it can be a good strategic move to admit part of the problem is yours (takes two to tango and all that). It could help make later conversations easier and may help him to understand that this is final rather than a bluff.
5. Some handy lines to throw in:

• I don’t like the person I am becoming with you.
• I’m tired.
• I can’t live like this anymore (this was my mantra when breaking up with my ex-husband).
• I can’t do this anymore.
• This isn’t what I want.
• I’ve been unhappy for a long time.

Finally, we haven’t talked much about sadness - it is natural to feel sad. The important thing though right now is to keep your feet on the ground and act on the decision you worked so hard to make.