How to accept your breakup: splitting

I have been emailing back and forth with a friend of a friend about her breakup, I’ll call her Alice, and we have been talking a lot about the process of acceptance in how you get over your ex. We've come up with two types of acceptance when looking at getting over your past relationship:
1. Accepting the relationship is finished
2. Accepting the full story of your breakup.

It’s a big topic so today we’ll look at part of number one: acceptance and splitting.

I think of a breakup like a train ride. You are hurtling along on your breakup train on a curvy track, in and out of tunnels, not quite sure where it is going to take you next. You can't get off it if you don't even admit you're on board.

Splitting: Angel vs Demon

Couples can end up with a polemic view of their ex - this is called splitting. Some view their ex as an angel who can do no wrong, and edit their memories to suit. Others remember their ex as a demon and again edit their memories to suit this view. Often there is no middle ground.

I saw this in my interviews, with people either thinking back very fondly of their ex or thinking back with the poor man unable to do anything right. I noticed that the women I interviewed who moved on from their breakups faster tended towards the ‘demon’ memories.

I have a friend who for over a year couldn't let go of her ex. I heard so often about how wonderful he was (she overlooked his distancing and then dumping actions). They ended up in bed together over and over again. She was sure she could just be friends with benefits, but really, she still loved him And he just kept repeating his behavior, (and why wouldn't he - she kept coming back for more): treating her amazingly when they were together but then letting her down with dates cancelled and not calling her when he said he would.

Finally it was like a fog was lifted, she swung from seeing him as perfection himself, to getting extremely angry about his treatment. He was no longer the 'angel', he had changed into the 'demon' She was ready to let him and the memory of him go.

Which way do you lean? After spending a few weeks alone post-breakup, it is tempting to view the past relationship through a soft-focus lense. You too see an angel and wish for what might have been. You edit your history and remember the good times, cutting out the bad. Anything seems better than what you are feeling now. Your mind sabotages your good efforts

Tempted to get back in contact with your angel?

Perhaps you are tempted now to get back in contact with your ex, breaking the no contact rule. You were friends - you justify - I miss him just as a friend. What will one phone call do? We can be Facebook friends surely? I’m over him enough to become friends with benefits. Hey, no strings attached. I can handle it. What if he wants to get back together? He needs to know that I am around and available. This is your mind sabotaging your good work. Creeping back into contact is not going to help you get off the breakup train any earlier, instead you might jump off at the wrong stop making your trip a whole lot longer.

Be aware of splitting. Know that you are doing it and keep strong with your no contact. Try to focus on negative memories just as much as the positive ones - get some balance. And remember you can't be Facebook friends, or have sex with them, or have friendly chats. You need to get back to you again, and that means time on your own.

You can read more about this and do some exercises in my 3 Simple Steps to getting over a breakup eBook - it's free on my blog.